Archive for February, 2011

A Modest Proposal

February 26, 2011

[NOTE: The following post may contain satire. Discretion is advised.]

Alternative title: For Preventing The Single Parents in The Western World From Being A Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Market.

To work is the most glorious things to do. There is nothing more noble to be able to work for one’s living. It gives people meaning to their life. In short, it sets them free. Arbeit macht frei. As a result of this, it must therefore be good to provide jobs to the lazy and unemployed Joe Schlub. Capitalism is the dominant economic system, so therefore it is good for corporations, these holy bringers of wealth, to prosper, as these are what give people jobs.

I thus would like to encourage the corporations, especially those in the milk industry, to take a look at the entrepreneurial spirit shown by a restaurant in Leeds. They have started to sell breast milk ice cream. An entirely new market now opens up, and an as-of-yet unexploited, er I mean unutilized source of employment.

Those reading this may, as I do, have graciously given employment to a worker from Thailand, Vietnam or whatever country they may come from, to do household service. An excellent example of the pluralism exhibited by the market system, and the benefits of labour segregation. Anyway, sometimes when you make (or pay, if you’re a bleeding-heart) them to do “extra services” with you, they may end up pregnant. This is highly inconvenient, as they don’t work as well, and you may end up employing someone else.

I advise you not to do this, and instead to look at the money you can make out of keeping them. For one, selling the off-spring of this unwanted pregnancy can give you an unexpected cash supply. You’ve just got to know the right people. Even with the child gone, your employee will still produce breast milk. By using a cheap breast pump, you can then extract this milk, either to use for yourself or sell it to others. You kill two birds with one stone in this manner.

From the perspective of society at large, this can also help with teenage pregnancy, which is a huge problem, especially in the US, costing billions of dollars. There are also hordes of single parents. I have a solution: Let them be the founding stone of the new baby and milk industry!

When employees of your company get pregnant, they will have to leave for many months, and so can their husbands. This is not very good for business. Thus this new market can offer your employees a way out of this; dedicated mothers simply act as surrogate mothers for your children. By classifying their pregnancy as labour, we have suddenly given them employment, and made the GDP of the country rise. It is very smart. And you won’t have to worry about your employees taking leave anyway to take care of their new children either, as there are professional daycares to take care of the little ones before they’re old enough to be sent to school. They can get to know their children during their spare time or during their vacation. All to make people as productive as possible.

Now, once the surrogate mothers have given birth to a child, they can commence phase two of the plan: the milking. Constructing facilities for optimal extraction shouldn’t be too hard, as we’ve already got a lot of experience from milking cattle. These facilities, though, should possibly be more humane (which means less profitable), if only because humans are less grateful and more prone to complaining than cattle. This means that milk from humans can’t take the position milk from cattle has, but still be cheap enough for Joe Schlub to buy.

Following the experience from the milk industry, we should also look out for employees with as great milking potential as possible. Selective breeding and genetic manipulation are also possibilities. Of course, with their aforementioned employment in the baby making industry this could have potential bi-effects for the customers buying babies, but this shouldn’t be a problem if those babies are the cheaper ones (ie, for the Joe Schlubs). Actually, there might be room for a phase 0 before the aforementioned the two phases; the employees can act as prostitutes for the clients looking for the thrill of having sex without protection, thus avoiding costs associated with having to pay for semen – that should only be for those willing pay to a little extra. In this way, we kill three birds with one stone, and make it cheap enough for everyone. Everyone wins from this!

Of course, this isn’t currently possible in the current legal system. I therefore urge politicians to think about abolishing these communist laws, and let entrepreneurs show us what they’ve got. We westerners with our superior technology should not let the countries show the way forward – Thailand has already begun to lead the way. What we need, in short, is a freer market, for the good of the economy.

– Erich von Heinrichhausen